You are not talking them into surgery
It helps to be clear with yourself about the job. You are not persuading a parent to have an operation. You are helping them replace a vague dread with specific information, so that whatever they decide, they decide it knowingly. Plenty of people leave a consultation choosing to wait, and that is a legitimate outcome of a good visit. The thing worth pushing against is not their hesitation. It is the years of not asking.
How to raise it without it becoming an argument
Most of these conversations go wrong the same way: the adult child leads with the solution. Lead with what you have noticed instead, and be specific rather than general. "You stopped walking the dog in March" lands differently from "you're getting worse." Ask what they have already been told, because many patients have been carrying an X-ray result and a surgeon's name for years without acting on it. Then ask if they would be willing to get one opinion, framed as information rather than commitment. Offer to handle the logistics and to come with them. The offer to sit in the room is often what actually unlocks it.
Is my parent too old for this?
Age by itself is rarely what decides this. What matters more is overall health, heart and lung condition, diabetes control, medications, mobility before the problem started, home support, and what the person wants to get back to. A healthy 82-year-old who has stopped leaving the house may have more to gain than a 61-year-old who is still working and walking. The honest version is that some patients are not good candidates, and the reasons are usually medical risk factors, not the year on their birth certificate. That determination is made by a surgeon after an examination, not by a website, and it is a normal thing to ask about directly at the visit.
What the first appointment is for
Bring the imaging if you have it, or the name of the place that took it, along with a current medication list, other health conditions, prior surgeries, and the name of their primary care doctor. The visit should cover what is actually wrong with the joint, what has already been tried, whether nonsurgical options remain reasonable, whether surgery is being recommended and why, and what recovery would look like for this particular person. Come prepared for that conversation to reach a conclusion, and ask directly what the next step is before you leave the room.
What you are actually signing up for
This is the part families underestimate, and it is worth knowing before rather than after. Someone needs to drive them and, for same-day surgery, a responsible adult usually needs to be with them at home at first. The early period is when the practical help matters most: getting to the bathroom, stairs, meals, medications on schedule, and getting to therapy appointments. Ask specifically how long someone should plan to stay, because the answer depends on the procedure, the home, and the person, and it is much easier to arrange time off before the date is set than after.
Worth asking in the room
Is surgery being recommended now, or is it reasonable to wait? What happens to the joint if we wait a year? What are the risks specific to this patient's health, not in general? Is this a candidate for same-day discharge, and if not, why not? What does the first two weeks realistically look like? Who do we call after hours, and what symptoms mean call immediately? Writing the answers down matters more than you would expect, because two people remember the same appointment differently.
If they say no
Ask them to agree on what would change their mind, and be concrete about it: a fall, giving up the stairs, not sleeping through the night, stopping something they care about. That way the decision stays open rather than closed, and revisiting it later is a previously agreed step rather than you starting the argument again. Keep the imaging and the notes. If things do change, having them means starting from where you left off instead of from the beginning.
How to Use This Page
Bring it into the conversation.
This guide is meant to make the appointment more useful. Patients can use it to write down questions, compare their current symptoms with the usual decision points, and identify what they do not yet understand. The most useful version of the conversation is specific: what joint hurts, what activities are limited, what has already been tried, what support exists at home, and what outcome would actually feel meaningful.
What TJS Should Confirm
Individual details still decide the plan.
Total Joint Specialists should confirm the diagnosis, procedure fit, medical risk, location, surgery-center plan, discharge instructions, therapy plan, and follow-up schedule for the individual patient. Online guidance can explain the pathway, but it cannot clear someone for surgery, guarantee same-day discharge, diagnose a complication, or replace instructions from the surgeon, anesthesia team, physical therapist, or discharge nurse.
Medical Review
Reviewed for patient education.
This page was reviewed by Charles A. DeCook, MD on August 13, 2026. It is reviewed at least annually and whenever major clinical guidance, source references, or practice facts change.
The content is educational and is not a substitute for diagnosis, surgical clearance, discharge instructions, or emergency care. See the editorial policy.
Urgent symptoms: Follow your discharge instructions and seek urgent care for severe or life-threatening symptoms.